Coming Up Short

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Recently I began my annual hunt for shorts. I hate it. I double hate it. And I can’t be the only one.

The good news is that God gave me great dimples. The bad news is he put them on the wrong set of cheeks. I’m pretty good until about mid-thigh and then…that’s enough, thanks! Honestly, every time I try on shorts, I can’t ever seem to find any that are the right length for me. They are either hitting the top of my knees or the bottom of my ass.

I’m not going to Bermuda any time soon, the only board shorts I know are the ones attached to my kids when they groan about how dull it is when we have to shop for groceries, and as far as I’m concerned, the only reason that Daisy and Duke should be mentioned in the same sentence is if your talking about a campus flower garden.

Am I missing where to find CUTE shorts for women in the 40s? Come on! I’m not asking for much here, folks. Some basic shorts in some basic colors that come out of the laundry looking vaguely similar to how they went in. I’ve been baited and switched too many times to count by shorts that, in the store, are so cute and exactly the right length and fit. Then once through the machine and, voila, instant rumpled, size 6X!

Or if that order is too tall, then can we at least get some shorts that give us coverage when we sit down and cross our legs? You know, like we do almost every freaking day of the entire freaking summer?! I can easily justify aging out of bikinis and crop tops, but I refuse to move to Grannyville just because I want to wear shorts that don’t require endless fidgeting and adjusting every time I walk more than 7 steps in a row. I just want something short, but not micro; something long, but not culottes.

And before you assume I haven’t tried shopping everywhere, let me assure you, I’VE TRIED EVERYWHERE! Conservative, edgy, thrift, discount, department, you name it. If there is a store, I’ve been in it and tried on their shorts. One of these days I will hit the jackpot and score some good ones. I mean I obviously I still have faith, I keep on trying every year. Either that or I am simply looking for ways to torture myself.

I dream of that one day I walk into the fitting room lugging a sky-high, rainbow-colored stack of twill. One by one, I will try them on and look in the mirror checking the fit and length. These are too short. These are too long. These ones are just right! I guess that would make me Goldilocks and the three bare legs. I don’t know. What I do know is there is an absolute fortune, a MINT to be made on this one garment. I know plenty of creative people out there with time to spare. How about doing a mother a solid and whip up some perfect shorts? Until then I’ll just have to stick to the maxi dresses. (Giggle giggle.)

 

14 thoughts on “Coming Up Short

  1. Love this! I second Angela, only I actually prefer skirts. I honestly can’t tell you the last time I wore shorts . . . maybe 10 years ago. No joke, I even switched to tennis skirts (more-or-less) for the gym!

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  2. Agree on both, but I actually LIKE shorts and miss them! I wrote this little rant this afternoon after scouring a few places looking for them today. GRRRRR…

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  3. On my “top 3 most hated list” would be trying on shorts! Notice I didn’t say buying shorts. I can’t think of one flattering pair I’ve ever owned, therefore I just try on. You know the definition of insanity…Someone should try making “Not Your Daughter’s Jean Shorts”…;)

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  4. JCrew and Jcrew factory!! of course, only the 7″ and 9″ inseam….couldn’t possibly with the 3″ or 5″! Stacks of rainbow twill! xo

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  5. Banana Replublic – 4 1/2 inch Hampton shorts. Perfect to cover those flabby top bits, a few dimples, but short enough for tanning and making your legs look a bit longer. Think they’re in the factory outlets now for $15 – bargain!

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    1. Oh my dear, statuesque, former tv anchor friend. capris are MADE for people like you. On you they look like, well, capris. On me the look like my tailor helped herself to a few too many vodka shots before she decided to hem my pants. I think “unfortunate” may be the best way to describe capris on any person under 5′ 4″.

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      1. Bets, this last response made me snort in the middle of my office! A clear sign I was doing something other than working. Oh how I miss your sense of humor!

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  6. Try saboskirt.com
    (Might be .com.au as it’s Australian)
    I work in retail and during Summer I need to wear shorts that are work appropriate and comfortable and I’ve bought quite a few pairs on there that aren’t too tight or short and they wash fine 🙂

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